top of page
  • Kevin Yin

Ethnic Student at Queen's Homecoming Lonely, Confused

Economics Specialist and unwitting lifelong person of color, Jonathan Nguyen, was reportedly "perplexed" by his own attendance at this weekend's homecoming festivities at Queen's University. "Yeah, like, my high school buddy Jared Phillips invited me, and at first I was like, 'hell yeah, let's get littttt'. But now that I'm actually here, well, uh, I'm just not really sure why I'm here," said the man living a watered-down, Vietnamese edition of Get Out. "Everyone thinks I'm Chinese. No one's even heard of shawarma,” complained the unfortunate blip in Queen's racial homogeneity. "Also, they keep saying I'll be a reverse racist if I don't wear the Queen’s hoodie?”

He barely managed to offer this comment before being drowned out by the belligerent cries of ten thousand drunk, shirtless students singing "I'M MR. BRIGHTSIDE!"

Nguyen's non-white friends reported that they chose to stay in Toronto for the weekend.

"Not a chance bro. Last year someone asked me how my hair was still wet because he thought my turban was a towel."

In a desperate, late-night Facetime plea, Nguyen reached out to The Boundary. With tears and diluted Pabst Blue Ribbon dripping down his pallid face, he said: “I don’t wanna get kicked by a horse or fall through a roof. Not now. Please, tell my parents I need to leave Kingston now.”

At press time, Nguyen was seen drinking away his fears via keg stand.

bottom of page