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Campus Smokers Cramming to Meet January 1st Deadline


On January 1st, the University of Toronto’s attempt to curb nicotine consumption will come into full force through a complete ban on smoking and vaping across all three campuses. While health officials have universally endorsed the proposed ban, the initiative has left U of T’s smoking community disgruntled and indignant.

This indignation has translated into a complete repudiation of the university’s goal. Distressed and confused, many smokers have responded to the ban by hopelessly attempting to cram one year’s worth of cigarette smoking into the remaining five-week period.

Second year sociology student Karen Yin says the upcoming ban comes as no surprise. “It’s just typical U of T, imposing ridiculous and impossible deadlines which students will inevitably fail to meet, damaging their mental and physical health in the process.”

Other students are unperturbed by the ban. Parisian exchange student Killian Briochemann, a smoker since 11-years-old by virtue of his cultural upbringing, claims the university has “no right” to prohibit him from enjoying “a tradition as sacred and old as the république itself.”

Briochemann described the university’s smoking community as, “a pathetic société of reprobates.”

Briochemann often engages in strongly worded repartees with these “reprobates,” accusing them of appropriating his Parisian cultural traditions, purely for their own aesthetic benefit.

“These, comment dit-onstouristes simply do not understand lés implications of such cultural gentrification. They fail to understand how this ban affects true nicotine veterans such as I.”

Like many other undergraduate smokers, Briochemann applied for an extension to cope with the “fasciste” deadline. He was denied not once, but twice. He has also put forward multiple requests to accessibility services to no avail.

To build momentum for his cause, Briochemann plans to host “sit-in-and-smoke-up” protests in various study rooms within Robarts Library. He’s even created a Facebook event titled “Cigs Inside & Out”.

There is no word on whether this movement has gained traction, or if Briochemann will once again be caught ‘Juul-ing’ alone in the handicapped bathroom stall. As of now, it seems to be a solo endeavour, but he’s positive the rest of U of T’s nicotine fiends are behind him - in spirit.

Story is developing


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