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Couple Visits Christmas Market in Hail Mary Attempt to Salvage Shitty Relationship


Once upon a time, Elena Renner and Jason Wick were living the relationship dream. They wore matching Halloween costumes and Christmas jumpers, bantered with each other’s parents, even had plans to get engaged.

It was an unbroken boulevard of intimacy, love, and enthusiasm. Jason imagined growing old with Elena, and Elena imagined erotically braiding Jason’s dense white beard. These were the pillars of (what began as) an everlasting relationship.

In the couple’s two years of dating, not one fight broke out – that is, until Elena finally understood the extent of Jason’s protectiveness.

One night, Elena noticed that one of her locked-up friends wasn’t being chaperoned by her boyfriend, despite the fact that the group was hanging out with other guys. Elena’s friend was Without Boyfriend while - God forbid - other men were on the scene.

All of a sudden, two years’ worth of grievances came to the forefront for Elena: why was Jason more emotionally available with his ketamine dealer than he was with his girlfriend?

Then Jason, across town, was struck with a similarly troubling thought: Why did Elena get a tattoo of the name of her ex-boyfriend, ‘Nicholas,’ after they broke up? And why was Elena always plunging his ‘deliciously plump’ fingers into stray glasses of whole milk?

And which one of them thought it was a good idea to have a nude black and white photo of them, printed on a ten by fourteen-foot glossy canvas, hanging above the dining room table?

Something was definitely not right.

With so many questions and so few communication skills, the couple knew the only thing that could mask their heartache was to attend the annual Christmas Market in the Distillery District.

Excited to see the sparkling lights - and attempting to put the spark back in their relationship - the couple put on their checkered scarves and hyped themselves up with the thought of getting drunk off mulled wine.

Maybe this time he’ll stop shaking the Ferris wheel seat, thought Elena.

Maybe this time she won’t flirt with Santa Claus, thought Jason.

What could go wrong?

But upon observing the sea of couples and cheery young families attending the Christmas Market, Elena and Jason knew they were doomed.

For starters, Elena was mad at Jason for scrolling through Instagram within five minutes of arriving at the Market.

And understandably, Jason was mad at Elena for making a beeline to the nearest Santa Claus photo booth.

Instead of kissing under the mistletoe, the couple was fighting about what a homewrecker good old Saint Nicholas was.

The Boundary is attempting to contact Elena and Jason to follow up on their status as a couple. We were unable to reach either of them before publication because they both claim to be on “a social media hiatus.”


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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper