Missing the usual Reading Week shenanigans that take place every Fall? Worry not, for there's a COVID-safe way to get as plastered as you always used to, and all it requires is a kitchen spoon (and a couple of sketchy middlemen)!
Step 1 – First, you want to use the spoon to waft over plumes of the finest snow that you can freebase on the block. Not only will cocaine make you feel nostalgic for the Montréal night scene, it also comes in hand as a fake-snow substitute if you’re feeling particularly eager to celebrate winter festivities and your supplier has dealt you a shit batch.
Step 2 – Even out your high with a totally legal depressant for 18-year-olds: some tried and true Growers Peach Cider. You can use the spoon to point out your actual age on whatever piece of government-issued ID you choose to show the suspicious figure that’s picking up alcohol for you, since you’re not in the land of the francophones. Alternatively, attempt this method with discretion at your nearest Wine Rack.
Step 3 – Speaking of francophones, grab your only Toronto-dwelling Quebecois friend and try out your high school French. Sure, they might not be your friend after it’s over, but chances are they were going back to Montreal anyways, resigning them to a completely different (read: cooler) social circle than you. Ask your friend to kindly spoon-tap you on the head if you mispronounce a word, but stop when you get to 74 taps. Now is not the best time to overwhelm the healthcare system.
Step 4 – Climb Mount Royal! We know what you’re thinking – how can someone trek up a small mountain in their claustrophobic studio apartment? Easy: use your spoon to pretend an Ant-Man sized version of you is hiking up the hill with a trekking pole in hand, a Youtube video of the mountain looping in the background. It’ll feel like your fingers are really there!
Step 5 – Since you’ve obviously been following these steps in order, you can even experience the joy of vomiting up beaver tails while climbing Mount Royal violently hungover. Simply, take the stale bread that’s been in your room for embarrassingly long, fry it in 3 pounds of butter, slather some congealed chocolate sauce on it with your trusty spoon, and take a shot. The smell of a patisserie will be soothing as you yak into the wee hours of the night.
Photo Credit: Nona Jalali