Following recent unionization attempts at his Earthly warehouses, Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon and Mr. Clean look-alike, has announced plans to extend his greedy claws beyond the limits of our blue planet. After locating a series of legal loopholes which allow for the unbridled exploitation of extraterrestrial employees, Bezos announced his intention to travel to the planet Venus and scout out locations for new Amazon sweatshops.
In recent years, the market-oriented Venusian Republic has caught the attention of human investors due to its weak atmosphere for labour organizing, and consequently low trade union density. The latest reports stipulate that most workers in both the public and private sector remain without union representation, including those in the disintegration ray and flying saucer industries which account for almost 76% of the planet’s GDP.
“It’s honestly a nightmare,” says xEEEE242-:aA, a Venus resident and longtime employee in the saucer sector. “They work me to oblivion and then pay 12 uranium infusions an hour? I have a wife and 326 kids to feed, and they really think that’s enough?”
In addition to decades of masterful union-busting, austerity measures on the planet have led to a sharp growth in income inequality, culminating in last year’s eruption of the “Occupy Guinevere Planitia” movement. While many economists have taken the recent unrest as a sign of a system in crisis, others have blamed the planet’s weak gravitational force for slowing the trickling down of wealth.
Bezos’ plan to expand into otherworldly markets has become the Prime™ concern of the local bug-eyed bourgeoisie who have dropped the language of von Mises, Hayek, and Friedman, and are petitioning the government to adopt protectionist measures. Meanwhile, ordinary citizens, rightfully fearful of their Earthly predator, have formed Maoist guerilla cells, preparing to wage the Protracted Venusian’s War.
Amid this uncertainty and chaos, there is one thing that all citizens of Earth should be looking forward to: for a brief period of time, planet Earth will be rid of Jeff Bezos. His departure may be one small step for man, but there can be no doubt that it is one giant leap for mankind.
Photo Credit: Nona Jalali
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