In an attempt to recoup fourth quarter losses after dismal returns, fourth-year Rotman student Chase Manhattan took to seeking “external funding” to keep him and his partners afloat late Sunday evening.
Luckily, Manhattan had a few reliable investors at his disposal – all he needed was a winning pitch, a colourful PowerPoint presentation, and a well-timed temper tantrum.
Manhattan spent the evening prior mentally going over his undergraduate accolades: “three sexual experiences with women, 85 beers shot-gunned, 23.5 minorities discriminated against.”
However, Manhattan quickly realized that these attributes did not align with his “external branding initiative” and quickly redefined the parameters of his presentation.
Manhattan went the other way, deciding to focus on his Personal Social Responsibility (PSR) initiatives like “explaining confusing concepts to women” and “spotting weaklings at Goldring.”
After completing his slide deck, Manhattan donned his “subtle” red velvet suit and his favourite velvet, Versace loafers and prepared to Skype pitch to his first investors, his parents, Harvey and Susan Manhattan.
The pair were initially pleased with Manhattan’s presentation, especially Chase's quarterly budget showing a mere 76% increase in alcohol spending and green initiatives.
They were especially pleased with Manhattan’s decision to buy a S’well water bottle in mid-October.
Harvey Manhattan was reportedly persuaded to invest to offset what he viewed as the very real possibility for Chase to be rendered “socially bankrupt,” eliminating any and all late-winter Buca dinners and increasing his son’s odds of diving into “the minimum wage labour pool,” a taboo in the Manhattan clan.
Susan Manhattan provided a different perspective, telling reporters outside the family’s cottage in the Alps that she believes Chase’s value to be astronomical and that she “would do anything for her little boy.” A handful of long-time Manhattan clan observers said Mrs. Manhattan “caved too easily.”
In the end, Mr. and Mrs. Manhattan decided to invest. Upon hearing the verdict, a wild-eyed Chase Ubered to the Shangri-La hotel and splurged on cocaine and cocktails, “rewarding” himself in the morning with a lifetime Equinox membership and a $159.24 brunch at Nervosa with “co-partners” Chad Hendrickson and Brad Konstantine.
The trio walked home - and got to work on Chase’s next PowerPoint.