As the semester comes to a close, excessive food consumption is on the order of the day. With just over a month left to empty their meal plan balances, first-years across campus are waddling from class to class with bellies far too full of Ferguson fare. But John D. Vanderbilt, a Rotman student and fifth-generation fat cat, insists that there is a better way.
“It isn’t so difficult” whispers Vanderbilt to our Boundary White Collar Crime Correspondent. “What my plebeian colleagues fail to understand is the saving potential of banking in the Cayman Islands, Vanuatu, and at risk of sounding like a caricature, Switzerland.”
When asked to elaborate about his offshore investments, Vanderbilt declined to comment, insisting only that he has more VicBucks in the Caribbean than you’ve ever seen in your life.
“At the end of the day” reminds Vanderbilt, who has never worked a day in his life, “the only reason I am where I am is because of my gree- fiscally responsible attitude. I, unlike the hoi polloi who infest this campus, understand the worth of a well-earned dollar. After all, my Daddy’s money doesn’t grow on trees, it grows on the blood and sweat of Bolivian child miners.”