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  • Daniel Golden

"Toronto Has Nothing For Me" Says Radiohead and Dracula Fan



Whether you’re into hockey or opera, cocktails or joints, bagels or injera,Toronto has something for everyone. Or so the propagandists at BlogTO and 6ixbuzz would have you believe. According to Thom Murnau, an alt-rock and Dracula aficionado, the city is completely devoid of events that cater to his niche interests.


“Toronto has nothing for me” hisses Murnau from his lair just 15 steps south of Bathurst and College. “If I was into Taylor Swift and Twilight I’d have no problem finding something to do, but with my macabre tastes? In Toronto the Good? Forget about it.”


Murnau may be the most vocal dissident of the city’s entertainment offerings, but a quick survey of campus found that he’s not the only one. Aldous Leary, a wide-eyed first year, mumbled in dismay about the absence of midnight talks on the educational capacity of LSD. Engineering student Friz Avery, currently on a work term with Acme corp., ran amuck complaining about the lack of public Looney Tunes screenings. Even the pious scholars of Emmanuel College confessed that they pray nightly for someone to host a discussion about the Shroud of Turin.


In spite of his bloodthirsty complaints, Murnau is willing to admit that perhaps the city’s most interesting events are simply evading his notice. While he isn't too active online, he claims to have scoured the city's notice boards, lampposts, and construction sites without any luck. “If anyone is having Kid A listening parties or screening Nosferatu” he laments “they're certainly not making it easy to find.”


“Honestly,” remarks Murnau, a little let down, “I just wish there was somewhere I could watch classic films prefaced by inspirational history lessons every goddamn night of the week. But hey, I guess that’s just too much to ask.”

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