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  • El Chrapko and Natalie Cader-Beutel

Uneducated Child Puts All Eggs in One Basket



Every year, the world comes together on Easter to commemorate chocolate bunnies, divine capitalism, and fluorescent marshmallow chicks. Although all are important, the single most significant cultural observance of Easter is the frenzied egg hunts. 


Many children prepare weeks if not months ahead, weighing strategies that will allow them to maximize their chocolate intake. Surveying the terrain (grandma’s backyard) in advance, and conducting methodological searches are among the favoured tactics. Though some youth disagree on the best way to go about the search, most have learned not to keep all of their assets in one place, lest a hungry older cousin or drunk uncle get ahold of their stock.


However, one local child, Aliyah Turner, apparently never learned the age old saying. Finding dozens of eggs in the same places she found them last year, Turner got too cocky. While her older brother Theo was spotted making several trips to different caches, Aliyah revelled in her large, singular collection: “Look how good these eggs look all together. I’m witerally winning!”


Tragedy struck at lunchtime, when Turner left her basket unattended in pursuit of chicken tenders and a hot dog. Ready for dessert, Turner skipped over to her basket, only to find it at least half empty. Horrified, she ran to her father, who, with a pointed finger, lectured her about her fatal error. Though her father promised to buy her a box of Peeps to make up for his loss, the recuperation was soon forgotten as the family rushed to take Pepper, the family’s golden retriever, to the animal hospital.


Needless to say, Aliyah learned an important lesson this Easter, and hopes that our readers will learn it too. “If you put all your eggs in one basket, what did Jesus even die fo?” reasoned Aliyah, “My dad says it's the gweatest sin of all not to protect our own pwoperty. Happy Easto everybody!”



Update: Pepper is okay. He was sent to a farm up North where it's Easter all the time.

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