Giddy up, folks, because UofT’s newest Varsity Team is about to stirrup some excitement this show season with its newly announced team backpacks. The design is practical, allowing the university’s equestrian athletes to carry everything they need to and from the field.
Despite the excitement, the news has also unleashed a stampede of criticism from students, particularly other Varsity athletes. Rugby player Chad Johnson was sighted stomping around the Goldring Centre with unbridled rage. “This is so lame,” he snorted, “how will normal students know how much better I am than them now that horse girls also have Varisty backpacks?!”
The Boundary was able to rein in equestrian team captain Stephanie Whinny for a chat after eyewitnesses spotted her prancing around King’s College Circle. “I’m not spooked by the neigh-sayers,” she said, swishing her long blonde ponytail. “I’m just glad we’re spurring conversation about the team. And no, we don’t just sit there!”
Beyond leading the team to campus infamy, Varsity backpacks have also sent Captain Stephanie’s social life soaring. “People don’t even need to notice my Hèrmes bracelets or designer jodhpurs anymore to guess that both my parents are lawyers,” she beamed. “By the way, you can’t publish any of this until it’s gone through my dad.”
With the newfound knowledge that the university has a backpack-laden equestrian team, bets are kicking up among the student body. Will UofT beat TMU at the Southern Ontario College Derby? Will first prize go to Fluffy or to Beauty? And, most importantly, where the hell does the university keep its horses?