Toronto, ON: In a press conference early Tuesday morning, University of Toronto president Meric Gertler announced the hiring of twenty-four Nepali sherpas.
Hailing from the Mahalangur Himal sub-range in the Himalayas, the well-experienced sherpas have been recruited to assist students in crossing the "treacherous, booby-trapped terrain of a winterized Front Campus."
Described by its victims as "a slippery, post-Chernobyl-looking crater," Front Campus accidents have proliferated recently. Max Ludwig, a third-year student, lost his balance on Front Campus in first year a few times and ultimately fell. He attended the conference and shook hands with the sherpas afterwards.
While massaging his back, Ludwig recounted "just eating shit in first-year." He continues, "I just slipped and fell on my tailbone. Hurt tons."