Immobile 'GoodLife Bag Guy' in Upper Deck of Convocation Hall Revealed to Have Passed Away Months Ago

Toronto, ON: A mysterious student's impeccable attendance seems to have been the result of a tragic, unanticipated calamity, not unparalleled intellectual curiosity. An inextricable staple of every Convocation Hall lecture, a delayed autopsy report confirmed that fourth-year student Michael Warner had passed away in late September 2017. His body has been rotting in the southwest corner of Convocation Hall for sixteen weeks, according to university mortician Lee O'Neill. 

Warner liked to inhabit the most remote part of the alienating lecture hall, choosing to prop his feet up on a nearby chair and stare lifelessly into his laptop screen. A service will take place during POL100 from 10am - 12pm on Monday in the southwestern corner of Convocation Hall. 

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper