New Mental Health Strategy to Lock Depression Sufferers into Front Campus Stocks

In preparation for Bell Let's Talk in early 2019, university administrators have ushered in an "innovative strategy" for fighting what they label 'a bad case of the varsity blues.' In order to tackle the growing mental health epidemic, a team of consultants recommended that the university introduce retrofitted stocks for depression sufferers, prominently displayed in the middle of Front Campus. 

 

Human relations director Katherine Shannon praised the consultants and the initiative for its "forward-thinking strategy." Her pun-filled praise was echoed by senior officials in the administration.

 

The unique, avant-garde approach comes at a time when many Varsity Blues are starting to feel the strain of first semester.

 

"We wanted victims of depression to be easily visible and in the open, so that they will realize they're not alone," added press secretary John Fisher. 

 

Fisher did anticipate wait times of three to four weeks for the comfier stocks, and counselled students to remain calm and happy in the interim. 

 

Photo credit: Will Stoecker

 

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