Toronto, ON: A United Nations subcommittee tasked with investigating the causes of the worldwide steel crisis is pinning the blame on the "absolutely out-of-control, campus-wide nose ring obsession" at one of the nation's top art colleges. According to the committee's report, roughly 40% of global steel is contained within the borders of the Ontario College of Art and Design, a notoriously avant-garde school in the heart of Toronto. The surge in interest, multiplying exponentially from 2009, is sapping supply and driving up the price of steel, destabilizing countries who require the material for roads, railways, stadiums and skyscrapers.
To remedy the problem, Joseph P. McGraw, co-chair of the subcommittee, recommended banning the exportation of 316L surgical steel into Canada. "It's getting ridiculous. At any given minute, there is upwards of $400,000 parading up and down McCaul St. in the form of ostensibly 'vogue' nose rings. We could construct life-changing infrastructure in Haiti or create an awe-inspiring skyline in Angola -- if only we had the material. This unequal distribution? It must stop," McGraw declared, inciting thunderous applause.