In Bid to 'Break' Uncooperative Terrorists, Ottawa to Abandon Waterboarding, Subject Felons to Three-Hour, No-Intermissions SOC100 Lecture

 

Ottawa, ON: In a press conference on Monday, Prime Minister Trudeau announced a cutting-edge strategy to combat the silence exhibited by uncooperative, tight-lipped ex-ISIS members.

 

Flanked by his cabinet ministers, Trudeau asserted that a test group will be randomly chosen, transported and placed in Convocation Hall from 6:00 – 9:00pm on Wednesday nights for the duration of the 2018-’19 academic year.

 

“We want to break them. This is a question of national security. The subjects will have to attend class every week and take notes.”

 

“And I haven’t even told you about the i-Clicker requirement,” he said, laughing maniacally. “We will require felons to answer all questions, attend tutorials, and to take the exam, too.”

 

At press time, numerous human rights organizations had criticized the government’s decision, citing “possible human rights violations.” Trudeau dismissed these allegations as hollow and illegitimate.

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