On 191st Birthday, UofT Two-Pieced, Rejected at Einstein's

 Toronto, ON: On the eve of what should have been a stress-free, champagne-soaked celebration of life, an Einstein's bouncer, even after receiving two government-issued IDs, rejected UofT, a wrinkly bargoer approaching 200-years-old. 

 

"I'm just doing my job. Gotta keep this place respectable," said the sweatpant-sporting gatekeeper, stealing a glance at the 70 wobbly students doing two-dollar Jager shots behind him. 

 

Community members hold Einstein's Bar, an LLBO-sponsored subterranean bunker, in high esteem, though their excessively cautious approach is a turn-off for many. "Was just tryna [sic] rip a few darts with the lads, delete a few brews," reported UofT in an email interview. "The vibes were definitely off after I got punked."

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper