Unrelenting Pretentious Chatter Leads Gertler to Attach Sound-Cancelling Masks to Every Last Philosophy Specialist

 

King’s College Circle: President Meric Gertler promised to personally attach crude, sound-cancelling masks to “every [expletive] last philosophy specialist.”

 

Gertler says the move was triggered after being “trapped between two duelling, pseudo-intellectual chatterboxes” in the Sidney Smith Tim Horton’s lineup. The students went back and forth for over 15 minutes, eventually forcing Gertler to “take matters into his own hands.”

 

Gertler, white-knuckling his way through a tense press conference, stomped around the platform, muttering unintelligibly under his breath about “reaching a tipping point,” violently cursing “On Liberty” as well as “that damned teleological argument.”

 

“I’ve heard enough pretentious mumbo-jumbo to last one hundred million lifetimes. These sickly, pant-cuffing bastards get their hands on Camus, Plato, Sartre – anyone – and regurgitate every last syllable.”

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper