E.J. Pratt Reading Room Collectively Braces for Next Bite of Granny Smith Apple

Toronto, ON: The mild-mannered inhabitants of the E.J. Pratt Library's Reading Room were exposed to a volley of ear-splitting apple chomps early yesterday afternoon. The thundering bites echoed throughout the well-lit sanctuary, rattling even the most engaged residents. 

 

Battling hunger pains and boredom, the alleged perpetrator Rachel Yang apparently went elbow-deep into her bag, extracted a 120-calorie treat and viciously indulged. "The sounds. . .those chomps. . . it sounded like a ravished hyena had located its first meal in months. Fuck," asserted Marty Vandelay, a witness. 

 

"It's a micro-aggression, plain and simple," declared the Victoria College Dean's Office. 

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper