President-Elect Boucher Promises Bloody Purge, Improved Dental Plan

Toronto, ON: Anne Boucher, the newly-elected leader of the University of Toronto Students' Union (UTSU) held a celebratory press conference early this morning where she elaborated upon her strategy for the upcoming year. According to campus media, Boucher won with 2,376 votes, beating out Michelle Mabira who garnered 1,191. 

 

"Any fool opposing my leadership is a mentally deranged dotard," claimed Boucher between bouts of intense, unanticipated flossing. 

 

"Suddenly, the whole campus has been engulfed with happiness and the people are endlessly inspired. But I will not hesitate to slap my rivals, who are already harming the dignity of my supreme leadership. Compass can keep any cesspool of evils in the earth, including the Boundless Headquarters, within our striking range." 

 

Boucher went on to comment on her proposed dental plan overhaul. 

 

"In addition to settling the score with the wicked, unpatriotic and cantankerous opposition, I am over the moon to announce our plan to expand the UTSU's dental plan, which will now include, fingers crossed, three free check-ups a year." 

 

Photo credit: The Varsity
 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper