SpaceX to Send Robarts to Mars

Toronto, ON: SpaceX CEO Elon Musk has brokered a deal with the University of Toronto to send the John P. Robarts Library and its 4.5 million books to the Red Planet. All students inside the brutalist building will be sent, against their will, to Mars as the planet's first colonizers.

 

The idea, says Musk, is to initiate the colonization off strong by ensuring its first settlers will be no other than, “the smartest university students from the smartest university.” The launch will be scheduled for sometime in April 2022. “The timing is crucial,” says Musk’s public relations director, Mark Doidge. “The later into the exam period we wait to launch, the higher chance we will have of trapping the most agonizingly determined students.”

 

Musk has addressed the dangers of a settling Martian society composed of a student body lacking any inherent athletic or social ability. He has said on the issue that, "intellect must be the first priority.” In addition to the ostensibly Darwinian selection, the colonzation will be aided by the aerodynamic, turkey-shaped design of the building. The focus on fowl will continue Space-X’s insistence on bird-related rockets (the Robarts launch follows the take-off of Falcon Heavy). The bird emphasis, according to Doidge, “Elon finds very, very amusing.”

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper