Sensing Opportunity, Astute Rotman Student Sets Self on Fire Outside Robarts

 

Toronto, ON: After a GoFundMe campaign to bring back a burned-down hot dog stand raised over $10,000, Oliver MacDonald had an idea: Why not do the same thing? The plan was nothing short of genius. After dipping his lower body in a tub of gasoline, MacDonald moved next to a gaggle of cigarette smokers loitering outside of Robarts Library. One flicked butt later, MacDonald was rolling on the ground trying to light himself up. 

 

"Ten thousand isn't chump change, friend," said a charred MacDonald. "I always have my finger, or what's left of it, anyways, on the pulse of the market. The market wanted fire. I gave it to them." 

 

Witnesses at the scene were "terrified and confused," and stomped out the hysterical entrepreneur before the fire spread to his torso. 

 

At press time, no GoFundMe campaign had been established for MacDonald. 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper