Man Desperate for Campus Brochure Feature Hospitalized after 36-Hour Frisbee Bender

Area student William Williams is in critical condition at St. Michael’s Hospital after a grueling, day-and-a-half frisbee marathon. Williams, in an effort to break into a glossy Victoria University campus brochure, initiated a “friendly” game of frisbee with fellow student Tyler Gaw around 11:10am on Friday, September 14.

 

“I figured he just wanted to, like, sauce it around for twenty, thirty minutes,” reported an ashen-faced Gaw after the fact. “I muscled through for an hour and said, ‘I have to stop’, so he just started recruiting more people to substitute in.”

 

Williams ran out of playmates at approximately 7:15pm the same day, per numerous sources. For the next 28 hours, he proceeded to throw the frisbee - with a crude, flailing flick of the wrist - across the expansive Old Vic quad, then hobble to the other side, retrieve it, and repeat the process.

 

Williams was “absolutely impervious” to nature’s constraints, sprinting across the quad “in the dead of night” to the horror of dozens of first-year students.

 

“He wouldn’t waste a second,” noted bewildered freshman Cale Lawen. “He’d rip across the property like a gazelle fleeing imminent death, snatch the f*cking frisbee, and just whip it.”

 



 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper