First-Year Really Looking Forward to 'Coffee Date' with High School Girlfriend

First-year anthropology hopeful Ernest MacMillan has relayed to The Boundary that he is really looking forward to a “coffee date” that his high school girlfriend scheduled for this Thanksgiving weekend.

 

MacMillan expressed his excitement at the prospect of having “a serious talk” with his first ever girlfriend, who he has not seen in a little over a month after he left for his studies at UofT while she stayed in London to study at Western University.

 

“Frosh week was fun, you know, but these last few weeks have actually been pretty hard without her,” says MacMillan, unaware of the period of rapid sexual and spiritual growth that his girlfriend had undergone in his absence.

 

“Good thing Thanksgiving is about spending time with the ones who love and care about you most,” the clueless sucker added, referring to the woman who at this time was contemplating the ethics of doing the deed by text.

 

“Honestly I assumed she’d invite me over or something like we used to do but coffee’s cool too,” reported the oblivious son of a bitch, bright eyed, red cheeked and heart-as-of-yet-unbroken. He noted further that Ashley had been “super busy” as of late for some reason and could not respond to texts or FaceTime, but that he was more than willing to stick it out for his soulmate.

“I love coffee. I love her. I’m sure it’ll be great, you know?”

 

At press time, our reporter gave MacMillan an understanding look and a few sympathetic back pats.

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper