American Student Lonely, Confused

On October 8th, Canadians will gather in a joyous celebration of family and friends. For the entire weekend, students from towns within 60km of Front Campus, and those bold enough to shell out for plane tickets, flee the university to get a taste of that sweet, sweet gravy.

 

This rite of passage, however, is unfamiliar to some students, and in the case of those students hailing from the United States, it can be downright perplexing.

 

The Boundary reached out to American history specialist Professor Jefferson Washington.

 

Washington deftly explained why this happens annually, stating:

 

“Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving in early October, whereas Americans celebrate Thanksgiving in late November. Many adolescents hailing from the U.S. do not realize this crucial distinction until 'Lonely Monday' arrives." - Jefferson Washington

 

Residence beer pong “legend” and obvious American Brett Johnson recently fell victim to this cross-cultural mix-up. Now, he told The Boundary, he feels like he's "just another statistic."

 

“I just… didn’t understand," a white-faced, shaking Brett began. "I was in the lobby of my res on Friday afternoon, and everybody had, like, luggage and shit. I was kinda like, hold on a second, are we evacuating? What’s the deal, ya’know? But then when I was getting my mail from the porter, she said ‘Happy Thanksgiving’, and that’s when I knew something was wrong.”

 

Brett paused here. 

 

“So I got up into my dorm, about to call my parents and chew them out for not filling me in on the Thanksgiving month change, but then I checked the calendar, and figured out that apparently Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving too, but in October -- which is weird right?”

 

Johnson claims that his feelings are common among his peers, with other American friends from Ontario universities reporting similar experiences. “Like, I never knew Christopher Columbus even came to Canada, but like, more power to him I guess.”

 

Brett remains worried in anticipation of the weekend alone, stating: “I miss the homies, ya feel? I’m already runnin’ outta stuff to do[…]I def [sic] miss the girls as well: equal opportunity, I’m all about it. I just wish this stupid holiday would end already, I can only play so many solo games of beer pong.”

 

We ask that all Canadian keep Brett, and students like him, in their thoughts this weekend, praying that they overcome their confusion and boredom.

 

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper