Top Six Student Side Hustles

 

 

1. Flip i-Clickers

 

The Underground i-Clicker Market is rumoured to swell at $3.5 billion annually—there’s usually a bull market in early September. Double-up and sneak an In-The-Spirit-of-Frosh Adderall push into Your Sell and you’ll be using $10 bills as Kleenex as early as Halloween. Not for the faint of heart, though: the i-Clicker game is feisty, bloodless, cold, lonely. It’s a slow burn profit-wise but a good, honest way to make a Quick Buck.

 

2. Uber Eats Biker

 

Put your skimpiest workout shirt through a scalding hot wash 10,000 times, zip up, and rip down Yonge Street with a silent scream in your throat the whole goddamn way. Your two-wheeled whip should cost less than $40 because it’ll either get crunched between a runaway Yellow Cab and a roided-up street-side garbage can or stolen by another one of the more hapless of the Uber Tribe. Great way to grease the rails for Side Hustle Number Four.

 

3. Mugging Uber Eats Bikers

 

Embed yourself in the filthy Operation and then turn the tables: javelin-chuck a thin projectile through the spokes of that dingbat who stole your bike and reap the rewards. Resale value pretty low, but good filler for the swollen-bellied oddballs of the Chinatown and Cabbagetown regions.

 

4. Kidnapping Trinity Students

 

Put a Lamborghini Veneno under a propped-up laundry basket and wait for a robed-up runway model to slide in. Once everything’s underway, initiate the Sonic Attack: blare a high-pitched frequency and blind them off-and-on with your iPhone 6s flashlight. This is riskier than flipping i-Clickers but it’s quick and painless: one half-assed job can land you enough money to setup on a decently-sized island in the Pacific.

 

5. Tape your Professor’s Lectures and Upload Those Bitches to YouTube

 

Maybe your AST201 professor will turn into the next Jordan Peterson—preferably bribe a brain-on-airplane-mode first year who hasn’t got their Sea Legs and wants to take a 5/95 cut. Tell them to film it through their sleeve. Covert Operations required. Keep the camera rolling—worst comes to worst you’ll have a Shocking Evening Lecture Porno Surprise on file that you can sell to Narcity for hundreds of dollars.

 

6. Weekend Bank Heists

 

Good for a Few Laughs—get them to load it onto your T-Card and you can rip Sid Smith iced coffees on the taxpayers’ dime.

 

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper