CAMPUS ALERT: Student Taking Bath in Shared Residence Washroom

ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS:

 

At 7:00am on Friday morning, an anonymous Victoria University student approached his shared residence bathroom, planning to start his day with “a quick shower.” The door was reportedly unlocked. To his surprise, “the central lighting was off,” but the room remained dimly lit by a perfectly spaced-out semi-circle of Burberry Black Amber Scented Candles. There was “the undeniable sound of water crashing against the stained porcelain,” while the rich incense, paired with the humming of the Beach Boys’ smash-hit “Wouldn’t It Be Nice”, flooded the air. The witness unholstered his phone and promptly dialed campus police after narrowing the instance down to only one “disturbing” possibility: there was a guy legitimately taking a bath in residence.

 

The unnamed student turned on the lights and took a picture of the suspect.  

 

Campus police, in full riot gear, stormed Upper Burwash’s North House at 7:30am, flanked by a battalion of HAZMAT suit-sporting officials. They recognized the severity of the situation and issued a ‘UTAlert’ to all students:


“An Upper Burwash resident has gone, essentially, fucking nuts. The suspect has drawn and is actively soaking in a bath inside a shared washroom in Upper Burwash. He is a grave health concern to the student body and community-at-large. Campus police are working to diffuse the situation. The suspect was allegedly perusing Northrop Frye’s highly regarded and seminal work, The Educated Imagination, and demanded “five more minutes” to “just let [him] finish the page.”

 

Victoria University would like to acknowledge that The Educated Imagination is a bold, intriguing venture into new-age literary theory and required reading for all aspiring intellectuals. Frye’s theories on the cultivation of the literary imagination - and appetite - are unprecedented in originality and scope. The meticulousness with which he crafts each and every sentence is unmatched, and an authentic, concrete testament to Frye’s expertise.

 

However, we do not negotiate with terrorists and will not be intimidated by further requests by the suspect.”

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper