Top 7 Lecture Snacks to Guarantee Your Personal Space

As a student at one of the most academically demanding institutions in Canada, it’s difficult to maintain a balanced lifestyle.

 

Finding time to exercise, socialize, and call mom on Sundays is tough as is––add on the need to eat three healthy meals a day and your weekly workload becomes impossible.

 

The uninitiated will try to solve this dilemma by not eating at all, but the wise know that the lecture hall can serve as an impromptu dining hall; it runs a social risk, yes, but did you really want to talk to your classmates anyway? We didn’t think so.

 

Here are the top seven lecture snacks that’ll turn heads and secure a five-seat radius of empty seats, even in the most crowded of lectures.

 

 

1. Pan-Fried Atlantic Cod (Preferably in Unwashed Tupperware From a Past Meal)

Seafood: consumers hate that they love it, and bystanders love to hate it. This one’s a great way to make the kid in the front row wonder if there’s a sulfur leak in the A.C. For the ideal dressing, make sure to bring your family-sized bottle of Heinz Malt Vinegar from home.

 

2. The Dust at the Bottom of a Doritos Bag

I want to make myself very clear here: by no means am I recommending a full, unopened bag of Doritos. The bag must be at the most 20% full, rolled up and sealed with one of those plastic bag clips. For maximum sustenance, you’ll want to unroll that orchestra instrument of a bag just as the professor is reaching a pivotal point in the lecture, wolfing down the remnants of full chips, and slurping up that sweet, sweet Cool Ranch dust. Tip that bag into your mouth like it’s a cold bottle of Dasani in the middle of the Sahara.

 

3. Curried Goat and Okra, Extra Mild

Something with a full body of spices and flavours, something that will literally alter the pH of the room. I emphasize “extra mild” because depending on the number of caucasians at lecture, you could be dealing with a lawsuit. Wyatt Andrews from Moncton just isn’t anatomically prepared for that kind of aroma.

 

4. A Red Onion Eaten Like a McIntosh Apple

It’s always a guessing game when it comes to apples: “Are they in season? Do I really need to wash it before eating? What if there’s a worm in it like in the cartoons?” Onions, on the other hand, are pretty cut-and-dry. You have a bunch of them layin’ around, anyways. Think of it as a savoury apple, so mouth-wateringly delicious it’ll bring tears to your eyes.

 

5. A Hefty Charcuterie Board

The classiest and most cultured of snacks. Swap out your laptop for a thick, slick slab of granite, and load that baby with 5,000 calories of stomach-convulsing dairy delights. May I humbly suggest a single log of mozzarella, paired with the oldest brick of parmigiano you can find in your fridge, atop a stale Triscuit? Magnifique!

 

6. Absolutely Anything From UberEats (Delivered Mid-Lecture)

If you really want to save time and skip cleaning those pesky dishes, bring in the middle-man. Swiss Chalet has some really killer deals going on, so dip into the ol’ savings account, request a large order of the BBQ ribs platter (easy on the ribs, heavy on the sauce), and let that sweet, noxious nectar fill the air (and clear the room).

 

7. A Canteen Full of Blue Raspberry Pop Rocks.

Ah, a stroll down memory lane. Remember being a kid and having a mouthful of the stuff? Every little twerp within earshot was amazed that a candy could make noise. Flashforward 11 years: you’re in your cinema studies lecture, watching God-knows-what movie, and you bust out these bad boys, blue raspberry flavoured. I assure you, it’ll have the same effect as it did in grade school.

 

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper