Eight Easy Ways to Give Yourself a Concussion Before Finals

As finals season approaches, more and more students wish they had a valid excuse to sit out the exams that make or break their GPA. You’re too shitty an actor to fake having the flu, and your doctor refuses to write you another note after his medical license got revoked. So, try out your hand at method acting and give yourself an actual concussion with these foolproof techniques.

 

1. Make a Running Start at Robarts’ Rotating Doors

When you feel like you can’t memorize any more information and the temptation of procrastination is strong, going to Robarts can be futile. But don’t underestimate the sweet, sweet rush of adrenaline you get from sprinting towards the rotating gates of hell that are the library's revolving doors. If Satan’s glass doors don’t bruise you enough, the isolated G-force of the rotation alone will ensure that you feel adequately disoriented throughout finals season.

 

2. Pull a Captain Phillips, Tell Tutorial “I’m The TA Now”

Your TA hasn’t handed back your essay in five weeks, you’re required to actually speak in tutorial to get participation marks, and you’re perpetually late because somehow he’s never heard of “U of T time”. You’ve always wanted to stage a coup, and you figure your Histories of Violence tutorial would support a usurper, so why waste the perfect opportunity? A smack against the head with a Macbook from an anarchy-opposed peer is the perfect way to get out of finals (and to give your TA a taste of his own unorganized, infuriating medicine).

 

3. Tell a Varsity Athlete They “Really Aren’t on That Grind”

Nothing enrages 7th year kinesiology student Travis Brentwood more than being told he has weak squat game, so when you’re feeling frustrated and fiesty, comment on his physically apparent lack of leg days. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to witness Brentwood halt mid-vape and transform into his contorted, Hulk-like evil twin, “The Wackass Wombat”. With a vengeful look in his eyes, prepare to get punched past the Exam Centre and into a medically required leave of absence.

 

4. Get Lobotomized for PSY Extra Credit

You have no idea how neurons fire, and quite frankly, if someone says the words “Freud” and “daddy” one more time, you’re going to puke. Although you didn’t really pay attention to Professor Freeman, he said the lobotomy would help you chill out - why else would they use ice picks? Plus, the grad students conducting the experiments don’t have the budget to buy fancy things like medical equipment. It’s only when you feel the lobotomizer’s shaking hands inside your skull that you realize he may be breaking more than just your psyche.

 

5. Reveal Your Workload to an Engineering Student

University can be stressful, and sometimes, all we need is a friend to vent about our workloads to. If the kind of stress relief you’re looking for is a devastating skull contusion that renders you unable to read and write, look no further than your engineering friend, Priscilla. Can’t find the time to see her because of her busy schedule? Just whisper the word “workload” three times, spin around, and clap twice, and she’ll appear out of thin air to tell you how much more demanding engineering is, all the while smacking you in the face until you need to wear a hard-hat as a safety precaution.

 

6. Ask a Mature Student How Old They Are

You’ve been sitting next to her in your tutorial for three months now. You know her name is Francine, and that she’s too old to understand the TA’s relatable references, but young enough to properly use a smartphone (albeit slowly). She speaks about the Korean War as if she lived through it––but did she? The question has been eating away at you the whole semester. Finally, you abandon social etiquette and catch Francine on the way out of class to pop the question. “Old enough to kick your ass,” she replies, followed by a quick demonstration.

 

7. Get Hit With Quaffle at Quidditch Tournament

Quidditch––it’s the toughest sport to watch, though not due to lack of excitement. Why, a field full of broom-clutching chaos is practically the epitome of excitement, after all. No, what makes quidditch so tough to watch is that there’s so much to see at the same time. One second you’ve got your eye on the Seekers, then you focus your attention on the Snitch. Three minutes later you wake up in a haze, surrounded by a crowd of life science students and Harry Potter nerds. “You got hit by a Quaffle,” one of them says in a clearly fake British accent. Exempto patronum.

 

8. Stand Behind Your Newly-Acquired Therapy Horse

Yeah, dogs are cool and all, but if you want an animal that can both help you cope with exam stress and hospitalize you with minimum effort and maximum grace, look no further than a therapy horse. These equine beauties may not be man’s best friend, but they can certainly be a student’s best friend––all you have to do is stand right behind one of them, make a sudden noise, and flinch as its hoof knocks you right into the MRI waiting room.

 

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper