Report: Everybody in Tutorial Idiot Except You

 

A new Munk School report proves once and for all that every person in this POL200 tutorial, TA included, is a mouth-breathing half-wit –– except yourself of course.

 

Researchers previously thought that it could not be possible that you, despite your Kissinger-esque tact for foreign policy and Rawlsian sense of justice, could be the ONLY person in this tutorial who knows anything about anything. Turns out they were very wrong.

 

“It’s just baffling, just statistically so unlikely.” says Dr. Jonathan Song, professor of econometrics and quantitative reasoning for PCJ, who headed the study. “But the numbers are incredibly stubborn. I randomized and repeated the observational study many times. We showed at a 99% confidence interval that this is the case.” Song’s groundbreaking data suggests a near perfect positive correlation between being not you and being a silly human with silly opinions about Rousseau’s social contract theory.

 

“How could be that you, yes you, the person reading this article, could be the only person who has a single f**cking clue about what’s going on in the Leviathan? I mean, the book can practically be summed up in a single sentence. And yet the data shows without a doubt that you’re a Machiavellian genius and everyone else sucks and is dumb.”

 

You have failed to do the readings repeatedly for the last three weeks. Your attendance is lackluster at best. You are averaging about a B- in this class and your TA rolls her eyes when you raise your hand. But as Dr. Song reminds our skeptical Boundary correspondent, “the numbers don’t lie. You alone are an island of intelligence in a vast sea of ineptitude."

 

Photo: Ruven Samaraweera

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper