Report: Huawei Definitely Has Your Nudes

 

 

It has been a well-known fact in the business world that Chinese corporations and the Chinese Government frequently violate copyright and intellectual property laws through partnerships with western companies, institutions, and governments. This theft of international property has been a major cause of concern to governments in the west and throughout the world and has become a focal point of the policies of several western counties when confronting China.

 

As for how this may relate to the average University of Toronto student, a new shocking study from the Munk School of Global affairs reveals that, through their collaboration with UofT, Huawei has access to a new and unprecedented theft of property: your nudes.

 

Through its research partnership with UofT, Huawei has been able to access UofT’s network, gaining access to the data, and of course, the nudes of every University of Toronto student; from unsolicited frat guy nudes, to the most tasteful black & white shots imaginable, Huawei has them all.

 

The Boundary caught up with Brock Williams*, the president of a major fraternity,  who said:

“Yeah man, I’ve gotta take at least 7 or 8 dick pics a day, so it’s obviously a huge concern for me that Huawei could sell my dick pics to the highest bidder –– by the way, if anyone reading this wants their own dick pic my snapchat is XXbrockwilliamsXX, no spaces.”

 

The University of Toronto Political Science Students Association released a statement saying: “while we, the Kissinger-esque geniuses in the Political Science department are concerned about the great power politics at play here, we do think it’s kinda hot that Xi Jinping has probably seen our nudes, and would like to request extra credit in POL208 because of this.”

 

Story is developing

 

*Name changed to protect anonymity


 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper