Desperate Registrar Pleads: “Let’s Get This Breadth”

 

 

We’re nearing the final stretch, hoping to mend any faulty starts and boost that GPA to finish the year out strong. For some, that means more late hours in Robarts and less late hours at the Maddy. For others, it means finally living up to their New Year's resolution of daily exercise and well-balanced meals. Regardless of the end goal, we all need a little motivation—some more than others.

 

Woodsworth College’s newest registrar, Mallory Krekert, has made it her mission to jump start the latent initiative and become the spark needed to reignite the primal fires of students and faculty. Formerly a youth pastor in London, Ontario, Krekert founded the Christian hip-hop collective CHRISTHAMPTON. “I just know how to relate to kids on their level,” noted Krekert, “to eliminate that major intimidation factor they have when stepping into a registrar’s office.”

 

Despite her many successes, her inspirational skills were put to the test when second-year Wyatt Lanxer entered the Registrar’s Office. Taking only four classes and barely passing any of them, Wyatt needed a hero. “I don’t know, I think I have a pretty good grip on everything, but my mom saw my grades and chewed me out so I went to the Registrar’s Office just to throw her a bone,” muttered Wyatt. “Usually, I kinda blank out while these administrative suits talk to me, but not Ms. Krekert… there’s something different about her, she just… gets it, ya’know?” This is when Wyatt saw the light, and once again found purpose in his education.

 

Having only acquired credits within Breadth Requirement 1, Creative and Cultural Representations, over his first three semesters at the University, Wyatt desperately needed to branch out his areas of education. “I just remember thinking, what would a private Instagram meme account say about this situation? How would they find a silver lining in all of this?” pondered Krekert, “that’s when it hit me.”

 

“She said, ‘let’s get this breadth,’ and I was like, woah… I should get this breadth! I owe it to myself! Because like, I got a lot of eyes on me, plotting, schemin’, and they don’t wanna see me win! But I’ll show them.”

 

Following their meeting, Wyatt has not skipped a single class. He’s starting to read Ayn Rand and has begun peppering vague information about cryptocurrency into every conversation. Most importantly, Wyatt is planning to enrol in three insultingly easy bird courses next semester.

 

Just like that, a scholar was born.

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper