Friend Group Exhausts All Intra–Coital Combinations

 

In a move that shocked zero Victoria College students, the infamous “Bone Brigade” has officially run out of all possible copulating combinations. Each member of the 14 person group is riddled with both gonorrhoea and chlamydia, with a couple of the real champs managing to catch syphilis as well. On the bright side, buying antibiotics in bulk has earned the group a lifelong 5% discount at their local pharmacy.

 

No one seems to feel awkward about the constant sexual tension brewing between the friends. If anything, they’re more comfortable with each other than ever before. 2nd year Psychology student Lily Richter believes the group’s sexual encounters have brought them closer together as friends:

 

“To be honest, I barely used to talk to half the people in this group. But now, our communication is so much stronger. I can’t check my Snapchat in public anymore because of the sheer number of nudes I get daily.”

 

Not only does fucking your friends strengthen your relationships, it’s also an extremely convenient setup for anyone who wants to ride the train to Bone Town. Hank Brimfield, 3rd year Rotman student, advocates for engaging in sexual intercourse with your friends: “In this economy, it’s irresponsible to waste time trying to find a partner. Get laid, get paid, get that 4.0 GPA.”

 

Being asked about how it feels to have seen all his friends naked, 2nd year Kinesiology student Lyle Miles says, “it’s kind of like we’re a small nude beach colony. Except all the people at the beach are screwing. And the beach is a Robarts bathroom.”

 

Presently, the friend group is recruiting new members through Tinder.

 

Story is developing.

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper