Prof Figures One Last XL Latte Will Seal Deal on Students Recommendation Letter

 

 

Classics student Jake Briar has nearly persuaded his professor Alexander Hansen to write him a letter of recommendation. The only thing standing in his way? One extra large Venti Caramel Latte.

 

After treating his prof to numerous coffees at his local Starbucks, located on the corner of Bay and Charles St. West, Briar figures he has proven himself to be a suitable candidate for a master’s degree.

 

Professor Hansen has graciously provided a statement to The Boundary, reaffirming his belief that “There is great value in a student showing perseverance and interest in their career, no matter what residual benefits their professor may reap.” Hansen has been known to casually ask students for other valuables, such as printer ink, post-it notes, and ballpoint pens.

 

“He’s the fucking worst”, said fellow Classics student John Wang, “I bought him 13 flavoured drinks—that taste more like a Splenda-cocaine blend than anything resembling coffee—and he still hasn’t told me if he’s going to write me a recommendation letter or not. My Latin Studies T.A. even considered going on a date with him at one point. He then proceeded to ask for her Netflix login, before even meeting her, and screwed himself over.”

 

Despite all the coffees he’s received, there’s no word on whether Hansen had ever completed, or even considered starting, a recommendation letter. “Just because I reassure my students I’ll write them a letter doesn’t mean I’ll complete it in time for their applications. Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

 

In the midst of Briar’s deadline-countdown panic, Hansen has ceased all communications with students. We reached out to the professor for further comment, but he appears to have taken an unannounced vacation, as his out-of-office auto reply reads, “What happens in Cancun, stays in the drafts folder. I’m not sending you shit!”

 

Story is developing.

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper