White Woman With Dreads: “I Feel Your Pain”

 

True allies of marginalized peoples are hard to come by in these transparent times of cancel culture. How can you ever be absolutely positive that your peers are fully sympathetic to you and your culture? Thankfully, New College third-year Evelyn Bouvier is setting an example on how to be the best ally you can be.

 

You may recognize this hero from around campus, from such hits as publishing her own Cardi B fanzine, Yelp-reviewing Chinatown restaurants out of business, or keeping a list of her black friends in her Notes. Recently, the caucasian African Studies major graciously donated her time and presence to a campus panel discussion of minority inclusion in North American academia. This is where Evelyn made her debut as an activist.

 

“Well, I was immediately dismissive of her because of the, ya’know… dreads. On a white woman” said panel mediator Jacqueline Moore, “but she immediately confirmed my suspicions.” As one of the panel members was detailing the modern black experience, Evelyn rose from her seat, walked to the stage, put a hand on the speakers shoulder while simultaneously grabbing her mic, and said, “I feel your pain, sis.” Woah.

 

Silence fell over the room. Jaws fell. Not a single soul saw this heroic moment coming, especially the speaker. “Excuse me?” she asked, taken aback. “Don’t let anybody tell you that you are not the QUEEN you are. Serve this look” Evelyn responded.

 

“I mean, she really emphasized and underlined the ‘I’ in ‘white’. And I’m almost positive the t-shirt she was wearing said Spiritual Gangster, so… do with that information what you will.” said Jacqueline.

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper