Early Draft of UofT Mental Health Initiative Proposed Lobotomizing Sad Students

 

 

Leaked early drafts of UofT’s recently announced changes in approach to campus mental health reveal an omitted fifth step to its current four-step plan.

 

The rejected program, Sorry About your Depression (SAD), offers students a radical alternative to therapy: the sweet, steely release of an 11 inch ice pick through the brain.

 

“Studies show that lobotomies are 100% effective at eliminating the ability to feel,” said Dr. Marcus Thornton, one of the key advisors for SAD. “Just a quick one-two, and boom. Bliss.” Thornton also noted that the ice picks could be utilized as an environmentally-conscious alternative to salting the sidewalks in the winter.

 

Other scrapped proposals included the reintroduction of bloodletting, which was phased out by the university in the mid-90s.

 

The Boundary is pleasantly surprised by the administration’s decision to moderate its approach and instead refer students to professional therapists. We sincerely hope their new plan will introduce some positive changes to UofT.

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper