Confirmed: Antsy Vancouverite Attended Thursday Night Tutorial With Jerry Can, Cinder Block

 

 

After a historic victory for the Raptors, Canadians have been especially energized and patriotic. It’s not just Ontario residents who are ecstatic over the win, either; Canadians from every province and territory have been showing their support for the team. Everyone knows that Canada loves their sports celebrations, and each province brings its own style of partying to the mix.

 

On that historic Thursday night, HIS224 and out-of-province summer student Jake Miller showed up to tutorial prepared to get "lit" for the Raptors’ sixth game.

 

Although Miller clearly wanted the Raptors to win, he was "prepared for any outcome." In a move that seemed odd to most students, but made perfect sense to his fellow Vancouverites, Miller showed up to class wearing a balaclava and smelling faintly of gasoline.

 

After class, Miller’s antics began.

 

Students from his tutorial were initially concerned upon seeing his celebrations, but understood completely once they got word that it was Miller who was setting the town ablaze.

 

Maryam Kolahi recounts the sight after she stepped outside of her OISE tutorial:

 

“I saw a burning police car outside and I thought, damn, maybe this is one of those OCAD performance art installations or something. Then I saw what was written on the side of the car: 'FUK the Bruins + GSW,' and it all made sense. Jake always joked about how he had to go to court in BC, but we all assumed that that was because he sold weed, not for this shit.”

 

After further inspection, it was clear that Miller had been preparing for Thursday night much earlier than his classmates thought.

 

Joining Facebook groups like “Rioting with Pride” and “Canadian Sports Teams Deserve to Win National Titles,” it seems like Miller was planning to 'celebrate' all along.

 

Miller doesn’t deny his extravagant actions: “Dude, Torontonians don’t even know how to have fun. Like come on, you can puff, puff, pass a joint but not a frigging Molotov cocktail? I made the world record for most consecutive appearances on CCTVs for looting, man. You guys really need to learn how to party.”

 

The Boundary has reached out to the City of Vancouver for comment.

 

 

Photo Credit: Emory Claire Mitchell 

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper