New U of T Study Shows Consuming Free Granola Bars Completely Cures Depression, Anxiety

A groundbreaking new study from the University of Toronto, released this morning at 2:16 a.m., "has indisputably proven" that free granola bars can “completely cure anxiety, depression, and all feelings of discomfort.”

 

 

The hastily-written, unformatted analysis co-authored by graduate students Doris Hemingway and Peter Fitzgerald seems to show that weekly to monthly consumption of Quaker Chewy® Chocolate Chip Granola Bars (occasionally supplemented by modest amounts of cold coffee) can eliminate even the gloomiest feelings in undergraduates.

 

U of T News shared the report immediately on all social media platforms and distributed the findings to students over U of T mail.

 

“We’re unsurprised by these results, and will keep providing plates and plates of this shit to our students at Sidney Smith, Bahen and beyond,” U of T president Meric Gertler said in a press release.

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper