Excited Trin Student 'Sets Mood' With Candles, New Malcolm Gladwell Podcast

Winston Marlborough Jr. III, a third-year International Relations specialist from Trinity College, plans to have his crush, Jamie Knox, come over to his residence tonight to “watch TV and hang out.” Marlborough Jr. III, being a well-read, Kissinger-esque genius, has absorbed the gravity of the opportunity.

 

“It’s all about tactics and strategy,” said the increasingly creepy-sounding teen. “Jamie will arrive, I’ll light some candles, and then I’ll bring out the big guns.”

 

Marlborough Jr. III will accentuate his lead-in by pulling out a vinyl copy of Malcolm Gladwell’s Revisionist History, season one.

 

“Gladwell’s sweet, tender, intelligent voice is the world’s greatest aphrodisiac. There is truly nothing better than a Trin Lad setting the mood by talking about how Wilt Chamberlain would have been better off shooting free-throws underhand.” 

 

Editor's Note: This Just In

 

Later on in the night, The Boundary overheard Marlborough Jr. III’s alleged partner leave his dorm room in a huff, stating that Gladwell was “just pseudo-science” and “a knockoff version of Freakonomics.” 

 

After this failure, Marlborough Jr. III has announced his plans to impress future partners by loudly playing the speeches of Michael Ignatieff.

 

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper