Drunk Creamsicle Saves Student from Impending Scurvy

If you thought Carter Hedge’s scaly skin was just a part of his snake costume, you weren’t alone. 

 

Over the course of the fall semester, second year Hedge exclusively consumed Frosted Flakes, Hot Pockets and Diet Coke.

 

His unorthodox regimen ensured that the slim and slimy "amateur chef" got no more than eight per cent of his recommended daily dose of Vitamin C, a deficiency that nearly led him to a disease once thought fully eradicated: scurvy. 

 

What saved Hedge from this frightful condition? A Halloween party - and a gracious, perceptive host. 

 

It was Oct. 31, and Hedge was "in one."

 

A swishing head full by whiskey; bleeding gums; yellow teeth. He wasn’t looking good. 

 

Nathan Frank, the host of the party, took notice. Frank knew about Hedge’s reckless, destructive eating - and had decided he was going to put a stop to it. 

 

“Every week, I sit next to him in lecture, and he’ll break out his lunchtime Hot Pocket and Diet Coke. Honestly, it makes me want to puke. How many Hot Pockets are too many? The answer is one. He’s eating refined plastic for three meals a day and then wonders why he’s feeling like shit,” Frank told The Boundary.

 

Frank knew that Hedge would only consume “non-beige solids if they were violently neon-coloured and marketed towards six to 12-year-olds.” 

 

With this insight, Frank stocked up his freezer with Halloween-themed bright orange creamsicles, offering them up to every party attendee who had the munchies (it goes without saying, Hedge was on this list). 

 

After half a creamsicle and a comment about how Hedges “didn’t feel so lightheaded anymore," Frank was confident that his friend had consumed enough Vitamin C to get him through the next week. 

 

On his constant efforts to keep his best friend from contracting a "an eradicated, starving pirate’s disease," Frank said: 

 

“Listen, he’s my best friend, and although it’s not my responsibility to make sure he doesn’t get medieval diseases, I’d rather he didn’t. Plus, he doesn’t believe that scurvy is a real thing, and his parents are anti-vaxxers, so it’s not like they’re gonna do anything about it”.

 

EDITOR'S NOTE (Nov. 1): The Boundary has reached out to the Hedges’s family doctor for further comment on Carter’s health. His Vitamin C status is at an all-time (yet survivable) low. 

 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper