Student Finishing Semester on Thursday Loathed by Friends, Faculty, World

A smug local woman is slated to finish her first semester on Thursday, much to the chagrin of her less fortunate colleagues. 

 

Emily Abbott, known for her mediocre study skills and piss-poor critical thinking, unintentionally circumvented the University of Toronto's exam schedule - and managed to tell everyone about it. 

 

"I have four exams and two fucking 5,000-word essays due over a three-week stretch," says fourth-year Phillip Kovacs. 

 

"How is it that I, an intellectual, have to board myself up in my freezing-cold favela for days on end while Emily scribbles on 'take-home' assignments and watches "Suits" in her room for two weeks straight?" Kovacs asked The Boundary on Wednesday morning. 

 

"Harvey Specter is such an unrealistic character as well," Kovacs added, leaning in.

 

"I mean, how could you be so unethical and reckless while being a senior partner at a prominent New York law firm? Pearson & Hardman, at least in the early seasons, seems to subscribe to the idea of integrity and rule of law, but simultaneously lets Specter blackmail opponents and commit perjury? I'll tell you something," Kovacs let on, working himself into a sweat, "if I was writing that damn show, I'd cancel all the new characters from, say, season two onward. Harold, Louis, Mike Ross: great, agile acting. Fully support them. But Monica? Hardman, even? Give me a break. Unrealistic. Terrible. Stiff. Two-dimensional, you get me?" 

 

Abbott has successfully informed close to 50 people of her good fortune. She plans to leave Toronto for Ottawa, her hometown, on Dec. 7, giving her a - breathe in - one-month break, or nearly 13 per cent of the entire academic year. 


Photo Credit: Nona Jalali, Emory Claire-Mitchell 

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper