St. Mike's Dispatches 15 Missionaries to Convert U.C. Infidels
Toronto, ON: Following Easter Sunday mass at St. Basil’s Catholic Parish, members of the St. Michael’s College Student Union (SMCSU) packed themselves into a single confessional and planed a mission to Christianize the oldest secular college on campus. After three hours of discussion and a subsequent hour of reconciliation, the Union resolved to send about a dozen of their most spiritually able students across Queen’s Park to spread the Word.
The SMCSU’s plans to facilitate the conversion by implementing mandatory confession upon entering front campus, replacing every book in Laidlaw Library with the New Revised Standard Version Catholic Edition Bible, and holding nightly SMC199 lectures (Introductory Exorcism) in the basement of Robarts Library. All of the practices will be officially sanctioned by the Vatican in a forthcoming Papal Bull.
Luke Dismas, a mature student, will lead the pilgrimage on horseback to the fiery, heathen-ridden hellhole. “We would like to remind all UC students that frankincense and myrrh will be distributed to all those who accept Him,” Dismas stated.