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  • Aidan Belo-Nascimento

Power Struggle Emerges in Common Room Between Don and Fifth-Year Student

It was all quiet about the Western Wing of Upper Burwash. Then, like a brick through a window, the calm was shattered with the opening of a common room door. There was a tense exchange of words, double-takes, side glances: fifth-year student Tim Sader and third-year don Vince Cortaza were sizing each other up, ushering in heaps of palpable, bone-rattling tension.

“I’m just really confused about what’s going on,” Sader explained to Boundary correspondents. “I was just sitting, enjoying a casual brew, while watching the Red Sox game, and Vince comes in and starts acting like my fuckin’ uncle or something. The guy’s, like, two years younger than me.”

Anonymous sources within North House report that, “that son-of-a-bitch Sader purposely missed the last house meeting. Like I’m the Don - the leader - am I supposed to put up with this dissent? [...] Plus, he’s been actively courting the first-years! He’s the goddamn Trotsky of Upper Burwash.”

Testosterone levels in North House reached an all-time high after Sader reportedly held an offhand protest in the common room. He sported an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, casually puffed on a counterfeit Cuban cigar, and defiantly blasted The Beach Boys’ 1966 smash hit “Wouldn’t it be Nice” over his speaker.

When interviewing Vince Cortaza last night, Vince left us with, “I think I’m going to have to write up Timothy for this. This will be his third strike [...] And I’m sure he knows every kiddo in my house only has three strikes before I report them. It’s the rules… it’s the rules... why won’t anybody respect my rules?"

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