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  • Joseph Strauss

Woodsworth Student Worried Girlfriend Only Wants Him for Proximity to Campus, En-Suite Kitchen


Jared Woods, a second-year Woodsworth student living in residence, has maintained a stable relationship with his girlfriend––commuter student Amber Jones––since late-September.

“Things have been going pretty well,” said Jared when asked about their relationship. “Amber’s super sweet, and I’m a really lucky guy. She's given every indication that she's happy in this relationship. It's just–– I’ve just gotten this feeling recently, that like, she doesn’t want me for me, like she’s just using me. But I don’t know, I think I’m just paranoid, probably. Right?”

“Oh, Jake is a really nice guy,” said Amber of her boyfriend. “He’s really funny, I guess, and he has such a big, spacious kitchen. And the fridge is massive! I love living here… and I love my man James, obviously. I love him, too.”

After an interview with Amber which was riddled with red flags, I decided to reach out to Jared for additional comments.

“She hosted another wine-and-cheese party last night in the kitchen. Her friends were pretty noisy but I managed to sleep through it.”

While Jared’s worrying is starting to look warranted, Amber, when asked about the state of her relationship, kept her answer assuring, short and sweet.

“I couldn’t be happier. I’ve never felt closer,” she said, “to all my classes… and Jesse’s nice, too.”


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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper