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  • Nona Jalali

9 Things No One Told Me About First Year


First year is a wild, emotional roller coaster ride replete with fake IDs, lecture halls the size of your high school, and sobbing. I knew the transition to university would be difficult, but I had no idea I’d have to train for beer pong tournaments or acclimatize to trap music.

Fortunately, The Boundary has gathered a helpful list of secrets that will help you go from newbie freshman to big time campus king in no time.

1. Drake Always Shows Up Early

Be prepared for Aubrey Graham to come to your res. party, and be prepared to hate it. The guy will start signing any and all posters you have on your walls, and after that, the windows.

Now, your cool Obama poster is ruined, one of Drake’s kids is sleeping in your bed, and the shadow from his permanent marker signature - an all-caps “DRAKE” - is seared into your window like a malfunctioning Bat-Signal.

2. Your CGPA Decreases 0.1 Points for Every Protest You Attend

You heard it here first: your CGPA will be obliterated if you protest on campus. From OSAP cuts to mental health resources, the school has plenty of opportunities to avenge your ridiculous concerns. Why else do you think everyone chooses “Interested” over “Going” on Facebook protest events?

3. The McDonald’s in Northrop Frye Offers a Student Discount

Located in the basement of Northrop Frye Hall, this fast food stop caters to students with a 20% discount.

Life is infinitely more enjoyable when you can grab a hot apple pie four floors directly under your class. Admittedly, this location can be a bit out of the way, so if you can’t find it initially, don’t give up! Just ask a fellow student and they’ll be more than happy to guide you there.

4. UC is to Students as the Bermuda Triangle is to Sailors

Where did Anita go last week? You saw her walk into UC, but you didn’t see her in class. Did she get lost? Maybe she…ran out of breath going up the side entrance staircase? Is she stuck in one of the 42,506 empty rooms in UC, cut off from the wi-fi, scared and alone?

5. If You or a Loved One Has Been in Contact with a Varsity Athlete, You May Be Entitled to Financial Compensation

Homes with asbestos and varsity athletes have one thing in common: breathing in the particles around them can be fatal.

If you have to listen to, much less talk to Jeremiah about how much he puked after his HIIT workout last night, or why he’s going pescatarian for “exactly three months,” or the ethics of taking creatine while playing varsity field hockey, you will be out of commission for four to six weeks.

6. The Ambient Haze in Your English Class Isn’t from a Smoke Machine

First, you see one or two of them. Next thing you know, half the class is hotboxing Isabel Bader Theatre with honey crueller-scented vape juice. If your prof is a real badass, he’ll join in, making sure to reiterate his love of classic literature by puffing O.G. mint-flavoured fumes onto the mildew-ridden pages of Franny and Zooey.

7. Waiting Lists are Like the Hunger Games

Many students check on their waiting lists hoping to see that they’ve moved up the list, but what no one tells you is how you actually get to #1. Imagine battling it out with Frederick and Elaine in the middle of Queen’s Park. Tears will be spilt, 4-year degrees will be extended. Ultimately, the only thing between you and that statistics prereq. is black ice and snow banks, and slippery leaves, and construction, and...

8. No One Takes Adderall Yet Everyone is Smarter than You

The drug of choice at U of T is over-achievement. And where’s your supplier? In Skule, getting high off his own supply.

You knew that people at U of T would be the valedictorians and student council presidents of their graduating class, but you didn’t think it would be this competitive. You thought you were the Jonah Hill, but it turns out you’re the Channing Tatum.

9. University Advice Lists Are Definitely Not Ghost-Written by the Dean

My fellow Dudes, why would your busy dean waste his time appealing to the youth? Not when a student could have a great fracking, uh, fucking time writing this article.

After all, it’s not the divestment from fossil fuels, or distinct point of view of administration, that ties students together, but the students themselves. Did I forget to mention that protesting is bad?


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Photo Credit: Victoria College


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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper