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  • Joseph Strauss

Fear and Loathing at Kappa Pi Omega


It's a Tuesday afternoon in early September.

The crisp breeze fills my lungs with hope––hope that these four years will be amazing and unique; hope that it’ll be just like the movies; hope that the rumours are false, and that finding community at this university will be easy.

Bzzz. A notification!

I reach into my pocket and look at my phone as I cross Queen’s Park Crescent, the cars whizzing by me all the while, honking like ducks in a pond of cement.

It’s a Facebook message.

Lucas Dawson: Hey Joseph! Wanna come by Kappa Pi Omega this evening? We’re having free beers and food, and there’s gonna be pong and shit. I’d love to see you there!

I gasp. Who the fuck is Lucas Dawson? I think to myself, and how does he know who I am?

I read the text again and again as I near the other side of Queen’s Park. I reach the sidewalk and the honking of horns dies down. The silence allows me to realize that this is the moment I have been waiting for.

O' sweet community, how I have missed thee! I haven’t felt such a rush of human interaction since I ran the Music Discussion Club in grade 12!

I respond happily saying I will be there––how could I not be?

I’d love to see you there, he had said. Why, it would be a mistake not to go!

I ascend the steps to the quad, unable to hide the smile on my face.

What I would give to be so young and naive again

***

The frat life is engulfing me.

I’m developing pong-induced arthritis and I haven’t interacted with a female in six days. I think the Kappa Pi Omega boys like me, though.

I drink with them, I eat with them, I yell with them––and yet, despite it all, I am not one of them. I am simply an observer (although I have run naked around the block twice).

Admittedly, I continue to be drawn to The Frat like a moth to a flame; I have never felt this sense of community anywhere on campus.

I know who I am––though sometimes, in this house, it is easy to forget. That is why I have kept my journal on me at all times.

Over this rushing period in the long month of September, I have abandoned Quercus and spent my time studying the Kappa Pi Omega lads, for I am utterly fascinated, and the world has a right to know what happens inside these walls.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

THE DAILY REGIMEN

11:40 - Wake up

11:44 - Protein

11:53 - Party-theme brainstorming period

12:25 - Party-theme brainstorming period: intermission

12:35 - Party-theme brainstorming period: part II

1:00 - Costume creation

1:20 - Hit Trev’s juul

1:25 - Creatine

1:40 - Gym (chest/back)

3:05 - Protein

3:10 - Hit Trev’s juul

3:12 - Hit Trev’s juul

3:15 - Hit Trev’s juul

3:20 - Gatorade to take the edge off

3:30 - Alcohol budget meeting

4:00 - Pong practice

5:30 - Hit Tyler’s Breeze

5:35 - Nap

7:15 - Spaghetti

8:00 - Get fuckin' hyped boys

8:20 - Pong tourney

11:15 - Hit Trev’s juul

11:17 - Hit Tyler’s breeze

11:18 - Hit Trev’s juul

11:21 - Hit Trev’s juul

11:23 - Hit Trev’s juul

11:25 - Gatorade to take the edge off

11:30 - Text recruits

11:45 - House clean-up

11:46 - Pong practice

1:28 - Trev’s juul

1:35 - Sleep


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