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  • Nona Jalali

Peterborough 9 Realizes He’s a Toronto 6

Last Friday night, Horatio Burchewitz had an epiphany: he was not a Sweeterman.

With a couple sprays of “Dark Temptation” Axe spritzed on his chest and a 1:1 ratio of hair gel to Coke swirling in his spiky mane, Burchewitz was ready to be the star of his best friend Sander Flemming’s house party.

Alas, the cards weren’t in his favour that night.

Maybe it was the hard iced tea, or maybe it was the looks he got when he told all the girls to line up for body shots, but Burchewitz felt different than he had at parties back in Peterborough.

“Yeah man, I don’t know. At home, I was sure that I was the hottest guy in the room. But here, they don’t even cheer when you’ve shotgunned your fifth Molson Light. If I had to guess, I’d say I’m an 8 now.”

Friend Flemming has decided to hold out on delivering the bad news to Burchewitz.

“Burchewitz? Yeah, he’s not an 8. Maybe a 7 without the frosted tips, but I think his hair’s just gonna grow in like that from now on man. I don’t know what’s considered attractive in Peterborough but holy shit, this ain’t it chief.”

Out of the good of her own heart, Flemming’s girlfriend has promised to give Burchewitz a makeover. In order to change up his frankly insulting look, Flemming had to tell Burchewitz something he thought he’d never hear in his life:

“Dude, you’re like, a 6. Bro it’s not bad. Bro! You’re still above average”.

The Boundary has reached out to Burchewitz for comment. Some say he is still reeling from the life-altering news.

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