Following Ford Cuts, The Boundary Turns To Chinese Foreign Aid
In light of Doug Ford’s recent cuts, noted University of Toronto satirical publication, The Boundary, has hit hard times fiscally, emotionally, and spiritually. Our budget has been slashed. We have been unable to provide public services and valuable sexual health supplies to the Victoria College community, and the entire university is suffering as a result. Due to this, we have been forced to take drastic measures in order to continue to serve our community: we are applying to join China’s One Belt One Road Initiative in order to receive much needed foreign aid. This is our application.
Hello glorious exalted Chinese leadership, Mr Jinping et al. We are The Boundary, the future mouthpiece of the Chinese Communist Party on the University of Toronto’s campus, and we believe that we would be excellent partners of the PRC should we receive this aid package. In order to show our value to you, we offer the following takes…
What the fuck are those unreasonable people in Hong Kong doing? Wanting democracy? What about prosperity? What about Xi Jinping though? We here at The Boundary will promise to be quiet about all human rights abuses, the rollback of democracy, and the terrifying precedent being set in Hong Kong for the small price of $1500!
To The Boundary, June 4, 1989 was just another day in Beijing! Nothing happened on that day. Just another day of happiness, prosperity, and the astute leadership of Deng Xiaoping! We here at The Boundary refuse to propagate imperialist Western myths of anything else that may have happened on that day.
In addition, The Boundary promises not to talk about intellectual property rights, the intentional erosion of the Cantonese language, anything happening in Xinjiang, or the fact that Xi may or may not bear some resemblance to the beloved and stoic western hero, Winnie the Pooh.
Now, we understand what you may be thinking: China already provides a TON of money to UofT. The school has several partnerships with Chinese institutions and corporations such as Didi and Huawei, all while remaining suspiciously silent about “human rights abuses” in Xinjiang, Hong Kong, and elsewhere. We here at The Boundary promise to join the central administration in order to provide a united front, supporting the CCP’s actions.
Thank you for considering our pitch.
To the glory of Xi, The Boundary