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  • Emmett Zych

First Year Genius Nails Prof’s Rhetorical Question



With the school year in full swing, many fourth-years are working up the nerve to ask their instructors for reference letters. Perched in the front rows of classrooms across campus, eager freshmen are also trying to get into their professors’ good graces. Among this rump kissing horde is Kelly Wozniak, the star pupil in Introduction to Financial Securities.

“It’s all about who you know,” lectures Wozniak, a first-year Rotman student who’s affinity for networking is rivalled only by her love for showing off. Asked to comment, Wozniak’s instructor, Professor Jonathan von Mises, demanded a Belmont and 35 mg of Valium before proceeding.

“I love that I get students wanting to be involved in class.” mumbles von Mises, “I want to foster a friendly learning environment so I can get to know my students, but some just take it way too far. In the first lecture, looking to add some levity to this horrendously dull material, I joked with the class, saying I’d give them a 5% grade boost if they could tell me anything about my fiancé’s parents before I met them. When Kelly raised her hand, everyone laughed, but as I went on to discuss the advantages of equity warrants over convertible bonds, she didn’t put it back down. When I finally called on her, she told me my soon-to-be in-laws’ full names, ages, addresses, SIN numbers, and blood types. It was unsettling, but I’m glad to know that they’re universal donors.”


“Yet that’s not the half of it” drones von Mises “I’m up for interim review, and yesterday my department head called to tell me one of my students claimed I was ‘her best friend’. Do you know the ethical conundrum this puts me in? Have you ever tried to make financial securities entertaining? Don’t answer that! Do you have another dart?”


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