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  • Daniel Golden

Heartbroken Trump Returns to White House to Pick Up Old Hoodies, CDs


Former U.S. President Donald J. Trump was seen in Washington yesterday for the first time since he and the nation officially broke up. After repeatedly vowing not to give up on their tender four year relationship, last week Mr. Trump finally accepted the republic’s decision to move on and embrace a newer, older man.


Trump was seen waddling across the White House lawn in the early afternoon with an overflowing cardboard box in hand. Allegedly, the ex-politician returned to D.C. to pick up the last of his belongings which he had forgotten in the nooks and crannies of the nation’s capital.


A White House staffer who wishes to remain anonymous, but whose name rhymes with “Boe Jiden”, has revealed to the press that the former president came to pick up 21 cases of Diet Coke, a barrel of Happy Meal toys, several stacks of worn Playboy magazines, his favourite Nickelback CDs (all of them), Dr. Seuss’ “Hop on Pop” (the former president’s most accomplished read), and his favourite white “hoodie” (seen above).


Now, with all possessions back in their rightful hands, it seems at last that the rocky, chaotic, frankly abusive relationship has come to an end at last. Despite his attempts to woo the nation back into his not-so loving arms, and his subsequent attempt to take it by force, it seems that unlike the other relationships Mr. Trump has had in his life, this one cannot be bought.


Photo Credit: Boundary Staff

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper