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  • Daniel Golden

Student Not Buying April 1st Essay "Deadline"

April 1st means many different things to many different people. For Christians it marks the resurrection of a born-again Nazarene carpenter. For Tanzanians it is Arbor Day. And for those with a predilection for whoopee cushions and Groucho glasses it’s a 24-hour binge of gags, goofs, and hijinks. No matter how one commemorates the day there is one thing that all of us (regardless of religion, citizenship status in an East African republic, or sense of humour) can agree upon: April 1st is not a day for essay deadlines.

That is certainly the opinion of Elias Edison, a philosophy student with a summative paper due this coming Monday. “Suuuure that’s the deadline” drawls a smirking Edison readying his index and middle fingers to serve as air quotes, “I’m tooootally going to hand in the paper on the first. Pigs can fly, the Pope’s a Buddhist, and I just can’t wait to write 15 pages on Schopenhauer’s notion of the will. You can tell I’m being sarcastic, right?”

Edison may be confident in his professor’s propensity for pranks, but not all his classmates are so sure. “That deadline is real alright” growls Rodney Carlin, a zealous April Fools observer and self-proclaimed clown of the class of 2025. “By Zeus that professor has no sense of humour. When I simulated flatulence every time he took a step he wouldn’t even chuckle. When I relocated an ant colony into his briefcase he barely reacted. And after coming to class 20 minutes early every week so that I could move all the desks 1 inch to the right until ol’ prof was out in the hallway, he still didn't give me so much as a lone guffaw.” Carlin reports that he will be meeting with the Office of the Vice-Provost this evening, seeking a religious accommodation.

Meanwhile, Edison is enjoying lots of free time owing to his lack of credulity. “Everyone in my class is doing the essay. Boy are they going to feel stupid when they find out that they’ve been duped. And not to brag, but I just got some email from a Nigerian Prince and it looks like I’m going to be rich! Everything’s turning up Edison!”



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